Do you want to be an irritating dog walker? The kind that others see on the street and are immediately annoyed by? If so, today is your lucky day!
For one day only, I’m offering a free primer on how to be an annoying dog walker. By employing these seven simple tips, you too can be the bane of your neighborhood! (Keep in mind, to really be the most irritating person on the block, you should use all of these tips in combination with each other. One or two just won’t be effective enough.)
Before we start, I’d like to introduce you to today’s instructor:
Professor Judge E. Dog
Now, get out your pencils and start taking notes. Or don’t. Maybe you’ll turn out to be an annoying student too.
- First, do you have a smartphone? Any cell phone will do, but a smartphone will really help you up your game. When walking your dog, play games on your phone or check Facebook. Don’t pay attention to your dog. At all.
- Get a retractable leash. Although leashes are for losers (see tip #3), you may occasionally need one. Use a retractable one, but don’t worry about locking it. Combined with tip #1, you’ll be well on your way to Mayor of Irritation Town as your dog sprints into the street, gets tangled around other people/dogs, and generally creates chaos wherever he goes.
- Speaking of losers, let’s talk about leash laws. They should really call them leash suggestions, am I right? Seriously, those laws are for people who can’t control their dog – they weren’t meant to apply to you. Your dog is just fine. (Advanced students: combine with tip #1.)
- Repeat after me: “Don’t worry, he’s friendly!” You’ll want to master this phrase, so that you can shout it at your neighbor when your off-leash dog charges towards a child or other dog (maybe even a service dog). It’s not your fault that the child is scared of dogs or that the neighbor’s yappy little pooch is dog reactive. Your dog just wants to say hi. Just remember the magic words: my dog is friendly. You are now absolved of any responsibility.
- Don’t teach your dog a proper recall. This is especially important if you intend to let him off leash and will be playing with your phone. Safety, schmafety. Your dog will listen when you want him to, right?
- Let your dog poop in your neighbor’s yard. If he’s a male, let him mark every single mailbox in the neighborhood. If he’s off leash (see tip #3), go the extra mile and let him pee on your neighbor’s welcome mat. People love that.
- Speaking of poop, don’t clean it up. It’s organic matter, right? Picking it up would just be a waste of that quality manure. It’s the circle of life, and your neighbors are just being prudish. As they say, everybody poops! Some people might complain about stepping in it, but they should really just pay more attention. (Note – I’m aware that this tip might appear to be inconsistent with tip #1, but I’m confident that you can text while watching where you’re going.)
There you have it. If you follow these seven easy steps, you’ll be well on your way to losing friends and alienating people. If you’ve ever wanted to be the most annoying dog walker in the neighborhood, now is your time to shine.
Do you have any additional tips for my erstwhile students? If so, share them in the comments and then go check out the Monday Mischief Blog Hop!
Laughing out loud…then crying because it’s sooooooooo true!
Loy Cerf recently posted..A Couple of Blondes Take a Thanksgiving Walk
Yes or when you get two or three of them talking away with about 20 dogs all running riot on a secluded beauty spot, pooing everywhere, then about 5 of them come charging towards your poor pooch and stArt growling and barking, and then they say those theee words they are friendly, yeah right!!!!! They are in a pack, one turns they all turn!!!
When a dog has just jumped up with muddy paws or been aggressive -“my dog has never done that before!”
Clowie recently posted..Beware of Low Flying Turf
That tip definitely belongs on the list!
Those are great. Unfortunately there are too many people around who follow those to the letter.
jan recently posted..Max the Poodle channels Lady Gaga for 2013 calendar spread
I’m always glad I live in a very rural country neighborhood. (I admit it: I like animals waaaay better than humans.) You’ve made me even more grateful that I do!
Sue at Talking Dogs recently posted..Old Dogs Are the Best Dogs Book Review
So funny and so horribly true! I hear the “Oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly” a lot. I always reply, “Oh that’s nice. My dog isn’t. Would probably be safer for your dog if he kept away, maybe you should leash him?”
SprungAtLast recently posted..The Divorce Agreement: Final Papers
That’s a good response!
I get that one a lot too – and I yell the same back “Well, mine’s not!” They usually scramble pretty quickly to collect their dog after that…
Jackie Bouchard recently posted..Monday Mischief: Pixie Sticks Her Nose Where She Shouldn’t
OMG! What a genius list. They drive me mad! Another one of my favourite lines (usually accompanied by a proud little laugh)… “He thinks he’s a big dog.” ARRRRRGGGGHHH!!!
Georgia Little Pea recently posted..Cushion’s good explanation.
Yes – another good one to add! People love to say that one.
This post sure did give the momma a good giggle!!!
-Corbin
Corbin recently posted..Thanks & Mischief
Sadly, I think most bad dog owners have this list and probably a few more. I do believe you forgot the people that don’t even use a leash, but have some sort of rope (clothesline rope maybe) attached to their dog’s collar, and are constantly yelling “STOP PULLING, STOP PULLING, STOP PULLING” as their dog, um, pulls them along. They clearly have anger issues and should not be around any animal at any time. Or children. Or other people probably. And don’t forget the people that do actually leash their dog, but hold onto the leash so loosely that their dog quickly escapes and comes barreling towards my dog.
Honestly – I have yet to find a park here that does NOT have a leash requirement – so I am quite shocked at the number of people that have their (unruly) dogs off leash.
Maybe instead of using shock collars on dogs – we could start using them on dog owners that follow all of the above rules. 🙂
Yet another good addition to the list… apparently I’ll need to add an Advanced Irritating Dog Walker Course to share these additional tips. 😉
To add to #6 “let your male dog pee on every food garden you see”. Here in Seattle there are a lot of garden beds in the right of way (the grassy space between the sidewalk and road). It IS tempting for your dog to pee there but people grow food in them that they eat. If you want to be REAL disrespectful, let your dog pee on some cabbage.
I admit that I used to be THAT retractable leash girl when Chester was a puppy and I didn’t know any better. Now I do and it bugs the heck out of me to see people letting their dogs run back and forth on a crowded path. People can’t see those thin leashes and I have seen people almost tripped and them almost cause bike crashes.
Jessica @ YouDidWhatWithYourWeiner recently posted..Black and White Sunday #17
Ew… such a good point about the cabbage. How gross!
Don’t feel bad – I was a retractable leash gal when I first got Bella too (among many other mistakes… I was naive back then, for sure). I realized the error of my ways when it became apparently just how easy it was for her to pull that sucker out of my hand and take off.
I also have a food garden in my front yard. When I first planted seeds, I put out a poem:
Although I am sleeping deep under the ground
A few months from now I’ll be easily found
So please respect my little dirt bed
And don’t let your dog pee on my head
It seemed to work since Honey didn’t pick up any interesting smells.
Pamela | Something Wagging This Way Comes recently posted..Good for the Dog is Good Enough For Me
I love it!
Bark out Loud! Mom and I come across dog walkers like this all the time. We especially liked the retracting dog leash. So funny.
The best one ever is demonstrated on a near-daily basis by my neighbor, when he stands in front of my gated yard with his two barking, lunging huskies, inciting my barking lunging dog to bark and lunge ever harder, and when we ask him to move, he says “oh, I’m trying to get my dogs to like other dogs.” Then, when they show no evidence of liking my dog any more despite standing there for minutes at a time, he kicks them in the head. True story!
Kirsten recently posted..Happy groaning growling convulsions
Wow. How horrible. 🙁
YES!! Somebody needed to post this!! I hate, hate, HATE when people walk their dogs like that… Riley is dog reactive sometimes and I hate when people let their dogs run up to her. Hey, if my dog bites your dog and my dog is on leash and yours isn’t, it’s not my fault…seriously, that’s what the law here says! Anywho….. 😉
Elyse and Riley recently posted..What She Does
Exactly!
I have one more pet peeve ~ joggers with dogs running aggressively towards you on a narrow sidewalk where there is no escape. The poor dogs always look miserable and the humans look smug and self-satisfied. Makes me crazy!
Fabulous list. I like everything about it except that I didn’t come up with it first. 🙂
One more habit of irritating dog walkers? Pulling the dog away every time he sniffs something. After all, a dog walk is not about the dog.
Pamela | Something Wagging This Way Comes recently posted..Good for the Dog is Good Enough For Me
Good point!
Great post and yes, I’ve seen this list multiple times. I especially like when people take their dogs to the park in our subdivision, which is NOT deemed an off leash park and unleash their dogs. Then, when Gimli and I walk through the park with him on a leash, there’s a mad scramble to locate their dog and yell out a command and hope the other dog actually listens.
The best one is the person that took their dog for a walk around the block without a leash. Then when he saw us, he called his dog (repeatedly) over to him, picked it up and proceeded to carry it until we were far enough away. I just don’t get it, it’s called a leash, it’s what, less than $10, put it on your dog.
Candy recently posted..Little Red Riding Hood – Alsfeld
Wow… you’d think that he’d at least be carrying a leash for situations like that. Not smart.
Looks like a thorough list to me! ^^
Jen recently posted..Do Not Eat
This list is hilarious!! My favorite one was the extra mile for the welcome mat :)) Genius, haha!
I’m wondering if I was an annoying dog walker the other day, too… My dog and I politely stepped aside to let a bunch of joggers pass by (even though I consider THIS an irritating jogger habit, when they are in herds and think that they own the sidewalk).
One of the runners said: “Aaaawkward!”
I still don’t know what she meant.
Audrey recently posted..Stay fit with your dog!
That’s so weird! What’s awkward about giving them space to run and preventing your dog from freaking out about a herd of joggers? I do that kind of thing all the time. Heck, I pull over if even just one person is walking quickly toward us. The only thing awkward is that jogger saying it was awkward. People are so weird!
Kristine recently posted..Things People Said To Me While I Walked My Dog
I know, right!
People are weird, indeed. A simple “thank you” would have done it. Nothing is good enough for them, I guess.
But overall my experiences are positive with people in our city, so these are just the odd ones.
Audrey recently posted..Stay fit with your dog!
Maybe he/she felt awkward about you having to pull over for them?
Odd. People are very odd…
Jackie Bouchard recently posted..Monday Mischief: Pixie Sticks Her Nose Where She Shouldn’t
That’s so weird!
(Also, I once looked out my front door in the snow to see a dog peeing on my snow-covered stoop. My welcome mat was never the same.)
Oddly enough I’ve had other dog walkers get huffy when I choose not to let my dog greet their dog. One person even passive-aggressively told me how “rude” I was being by talking to her dog in a really loud voice about how mean it was she couldn’t say hello to Shiva. Honestly, I don’t see why every dog needs to meet every other dog while on a leash. In my experience, it just leads to trouble.
Kristine recently posted..Things People Said To Me While I Walked My Dog
That happened to my dad – we were in a park for our family reunion, and my dad brought his dog (on leash). A guy with another dog wanted to bring the dog over to say hello, and my dad kept warning him not to do so because Roscoe could be reactive. The guy was so rude – he started lecturing us about how it was our fault, that we weren’t letting the dog be a dog, and how “dogs like other dogs.” Then he proceeded to bring his dog over in spite of our protests, and Roscoe almost bit him.
Why couldn’t the guy just leave well enough alone – didn’t my dad know his own dog better than some stranger?
Love it! My dog walking peeve?? Those walkers who do a bunch of the stiff above PLUS rush through it like they’re trying to outpace a werewolf. I’ve seen our neighbors whip their dog around the block so fast my head spins.
Kolchak, Felix & Jodi recently posted..Felix, I Swear the Camera Won’t Steal Your Soul
BOL! Too funny! We don’t have a lot of dog walkers but we do have quite a few homes with dogs loose in the yard. THat way they can charge us when we come by. Always so much fun. NOT!! Leash Law my butt!!
24 Paws of Love recently posted..Walking Brut Style!
Oh my gosh. I’m laughing even though it’s sad how true it is! I see all seven of those on a regular basis in my neighborhood.
Maggie recently posted..Pet Owner Public Service Announcement: Clean Your Dryer!
Check out my blog post “Walkin’ the Dog”…bad walking manners from the Wiener-owned. Explains why I live on top of a mountain.
I will!
I think we are half way there!
So so so agree with all of these. (I also used to not know better about the retractable leash though – had one w/ our beagle because she liked to sniff EVERYTHING.)
I had another one happen yesterday that could be added: Chase down other dog walkers, even when it’s completely obvious they don’t want to be caught! When you catch up to them, say “Is your dog friendly? Mine is!” Then look disgusted when the person says, “No, my dog’s not always friendly on leash – that’s why we’ve been trying to keep ahead of you.”
Oy. People!
Jackie Bouchard recently posted..Monday Mischief: Pixie Sticks Her Nose Where She Shouldn’t
Seriously… you’d think that people would take a hint!
This had me laughing and crying at the same time. To be honest, we just don’t walk Bella anywhere we might run into other dog walkers any more. “It’s okay, he’s friendly” is the bane of my existence. Yelling back “That’s nice, she’s NOT!” only seems to make them glare at US. Would you rather I not tell you?
Even at the vet’s yesterday morning, there was a women who came in with her small dog in her arms (poor thing was trembling) and she tried to bring her over to “meet” Bella (who was also visibly trembling). I had to quickly blurt out “My dog is afraid of other dogs and may react badly.” She turned away in a huff.
Thanks for making me laugh about an otherwise frustrating situation we face all too often.
Leslie recently posted..What have we done?
It does make you wonder why some people think all dogs need to meet each other, and why people take it so personally!
Thank you!!! I have met many of these annoying dog walkers myself! I’m guessing you must have had a run in with one?
I have met the smart phone ones at the dog park too. Grrrr!!!
MelF recently posted..A Letter to Daisy – My Thanksgiving Gift
We have a lot of the off-leash type in my neighborhood. They’re usually large, and Tavish does not take kindly when a dog several times his size comes charging up…
Oh we definitely have a few of those dog walkers around our neighborhood! Especially the ones that ignore their doggies poop! grrrr!!
Hey Simba, Jet here.
Uh oh… you guys are on a roll…
We would add: Never socialize your dog so that when they pass your dog (s) they go bazonkers.
jet recently posted..Wordless Wednesday – Gratitude Tomorrow
Excellent addition!
These tips are perfect!
Nubbin wiggles,
Oskar
Oskar recently posted..Adoptable Pets Of The Week From Dogtime.com
Satire is definitely your thing. I laughed ’til it hurt. Sadly, satirical or not, it’s true. Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!
Laurie Luck recently posted..Dogs in Public: Lessons Learned by Doing
Thanks, Laurie!
I wish it wasn’t true…
Retractable leashes are my favorite! Jersey was almost bitten by a dog whose owner lost control & dropped the leash. Worst dog product ever.
Karen Friesecke recently posted..Dog A Day Project – I’m Chillin’
I agree!
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I’m glad Jodi showcased this in her blog hop love, because I missed in during NaNoWriMo. There is a woman that walks her dogs up in our field and she is always talking on her cell phone. It ticks me off.
Now you know I walk my dogs off leash with terrible recalls, I admit it. Sampson is getting to be worse than Delilah. Yesterday I called her off a dog, but he didn’t listen, so he went back on leash. Truthfully the other dogs were off leash too but that’s not an excuse. I don’t walk them off leash other than in our woods where other people also walk their dogs off leash, but I digress.
Here’s one for your list, put your mp3 player ear buds in and walk casually along with your two little dogs off leash not paying any attention to what they’re doing or who’s around you. They can poop and interact wherever they please regardless of who is around you.
I admit to walking my dogs off leash but I also try to pay attention and leash them when I need to and I would never walk them in the neighborhood off leash.
Jodi recently posted..WTF Wednesday
Oh, yes – the cell phone is definitely an annoying one. I like your addition of the mp3 player too!
Most of my more recent experience has been in neighborhoods, which inspired this post. When I was a kid, our dogs were off-leash most of the time, but it was the middle of nowhere, so we didn’t even really have neighbors.
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This is so true. I’m going to share it with my Twitter Fur-ends right now! I get so embarrassed walking my dog around our village when I see dog poo left on the pavement. I want to wave my poo bags in the air and shout out to anyone that will listen “It’s not my dog- I always pick it up!”
Me too! I hate when people don’t pick up after their dogs… give the rest of us a bad rep!
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