Words are deceptively powerful. Stringing letters together in just the right order can inspire, entertain, educate, and even wound. There’s truth in many an old adage, and I do believe that the pen (or in this case, the keyboard) is mightier than the sword.
(Wondering where I’m going with this one and why I’m posting it here? I promise that it ties back into puppies at the end. Stick with me.)
I was talking to a friend about language last month (as you do). We were discussing the ways in which language reflects and subtly reinforces beliefs and prejudices. These ideas have become so ingrained that we don’t even realize the real meaning behind the words we choose.
An example: when someone makes a bold move, they’re often described as ballsy. When someone is vulnerable, they might get called a… well, a slang term for a cat. Let’s unpack that for a second. Bravely taking the initiative (a positive) is characterized as masculine. Showing vulnerability (which some might consider a negative) is painted as feminine.
Facing something tough? Man up, Nancy! Done something stupid? Some might call you a boob. Not living up to traditional male stereotypes? Last I checked, that makes you a girly man. Don’t get your panties in a bunch – they’re just words, right? Not so fast. These words, that many of us use without a second thought, are sending a pretty unfortunate message: masculine is good, while feminine is bad.
Not long after that conversation, I came across this video. (The relevant portion starts around the 3:05 mark, but you wouldn’t be wasting five minutes of your life if you decided to watch the whole thing instead. It’s definitely thought-provoking.) In the video, the speaker talks about microaggressions, which he describes as things that people say that aren’t necessarily intended to hurt someone, but that nonetheless foster a culture of discrimination. (The concept is generally broader, but it works here.) As you can imagine, the video really resonated with me given the fact that I’d just had a conversation covering many of the same points.
There are countless examples of words that seem harmless but reinforce inequality. Have you ever bought a bra or pair of pantyhose labeled as Nude? Obviously, that pale peach color is not “Nude” for everyone. Even something as simple as that reinforces the idea that pale skin is the norm, and casts everyone else as The Other. (You’d think that lingerie companies would get their acts together by now – even Crayola did away with that not-so-inclusive Flesh crayon.)
I could write paragraphs about these issues, but I’ll stop here. Instead, let me explain why I decided to talk about this issue today. Yesterday, I published a post (Six silly reasons to adopt a dog) and thoughtlessly committed a microaggression of my own.
In animal rescue, we often talk about adopting dogs. So, one of my reasons played off of this terminology: “An adopted pup will never ask you who his or her real parents are. No angst, no awkward adoption conversations!”
I’m not the first to make this type of joke – it’s not all that original. It was, however, hurtful. Did you notice the problematic word?
One commenter noted that my joke wasn’t very funny to her – as she said, those who adopt kids consider them their real children. I read her comment and immediately smacked myself in the forehead. Obviously, I didn’t mean to devalue the relationship between a parent and her adopted child.
Here, dear reader, is where each of us has the chance to make a choice… and a change. When confronted with this comment, I could have gotten offended and said that she needed to lighten up. After all, it was just a joke, right?I didn’t mean to offend. However, just because something is a joke doesn’t mean we shouldn’t think about it more critically.
What did I really mean to say? I meant to make a joke about how a dog isn’t going to ask you about its biological parents. Was it necessary for me to say “real” instead of “biological”? No. Not one bit. So, I changed the post. I think it’s even better now.
I’d like to note that the commenter who inspired this post is a real class act, who has adopted a child and a rescue dog. She pointed out the issue in a straightforward way, without attacking me. When I changed the post, she acknowledged my edit and we had a nice exchange over email. She even encouraged me to remove her original comment now that I’d chosen a different word.
So, the purpose of today’s post is twofold. First, when you’re talking about pet adoption, don’t be careless like me. Second, I thought this story was a nice example of how to approach someone who uses words that you may find hurtful.
Sure, there are people out there who believe the negative things underlying the words that they choose. However, there are also people who simply don’t think. We don’t always choose our words carefully. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all be as civil as that awesome commenter when faced with a situation like this one? She educated me without attacking me. It’s a lesson I hope to remember the next time someone makes a comment about “vicious Pit Bulls” or says something else that gets my blood boiling. After all, they do say you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
If you made it to the end of this very long post, thanks for indulging me today. Tomorrow, I’ll post a cute photo to make it up to you.
Awesome post!
-Corbin
You’re a class act and a humble teacher, Pup Fan. You’re right that words make a difference and your words created a wonderful post.
BTW, we’re definitely going to have to make a date (next year’s BlogPaws?) to discuss the racial and gender implications of that video on Jezebel. I can’t wait to see the next video in response. 🙂
Pamela recently posted..The Poopiness Project – What Dogs Really Have to Teach Us
Yes! I agree that we need to discuss. As you may have guessed from this post, I am full of thoughts…
Words sure do come into play every single day. The cat takes offense to the feline lines, humans are just out of their minds haha
Pat Hatt recently posted..A dVerse Narration Of An Altercation!
Who would have thought that feminist theory and puppies would intersect? Thank you for sharing this. Not everyone would have written about a mistake they made. You not only corrected said mistake but you turned it into an eloquent post as well.
Kristine recently posted..Halloween Costume Roundup 2012
I know… who’d have thought the two would ever meet?
What a well-written article! Thanks for sharing your reflections and for posting.
Thank you!
As an adoptive parent of a daughter and a pug, I can truly appreciate the difficult position you inadvertently found yourself. I cannot tell you how many people walk up to us and ask if we know her “real” parents or what her native language is (she was born in China but English is her first language). No matter how well intended, these comments usually put the adoptive parent in a really awkward position of having to explain not only to the asker but the child what is meant by “real” parent.
That said, I make mistakes all the time and not just with the adoption community. We are all victims of our cultural and social misunderstandings. We take a huge step forward when we recognize these things as wrong and work to change them.
Thanks for enlightening us all.
Love Noodles’ Mommy #2
Noodles recently posted..iGOTCHA
Thank you for your thoughtful comment – I agree with your thoughts completely. I can only imagine how hard that would be to have people ask questions like that – sometimes it is amazing to me the things people will ask, often of perfect strangers.
Well done my friend. It seems like both parties handled this nicely.
Jodi recently posted..Tasty Tuesday (10-16-12)
I enjoyed reading this and am always interested in peoples’ choice of words and grammar/language in general. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Stacy and Ellie recently posted..Ellie’s latest BFF
Me too… I find language fascinating!
And this post is yet another (of many) reasons why I admire you so! Woofs, woofs and more woofs headed your way for being so honorable and for a really excellent post. I needed this!
Sue at Talking Dogs recently posted..Belgian Teruvian Dog Jewelry and Gifts at For Love of a Dog
Aw, thanks Sue!
Hey Bella, Jet here. Hi Miss AJ.
Mom said I had to listen to this post 2x. First because you are a human with deep integrity. 2nd because you crafted your post so well.
We (human and furkids alike) are all adopted, so we really appreciate your sensitivity today. We did not get to read yesterday’s post, so, we learned through what you said today. Thank you for the education on microaggressions and all of your subtle examples. 🙂
Jet recently posted..Tasty Tuesday: Plums for Me, Plums for Little Miss Happy Happy
Thanks, Jet. 🙂
Bravo to both of you for taking the time to explain and listen to each other. So many people just react and nothing comes from the experience except that you get to see the dark side of people. What a great way to remind all of us to think about how we say things.
dawn recently posted..Pets Allergies- Infographic
Thank you, Dawn. I admit that I can easily go on the defensive myself, but I am working on trying to think before I react. 🙂
I always find it fascinating, not only the words that people choose, but which words offend some people and which words they let slide by. Great post today!
houndstooth4 recently posted..Things I Didn’t Expect When I Started Blogging
Very true… we all have our blind spots and our sore spots. It’s fascinating to me too.
Good for you, Pup Fan, for taking the route of introspection when presented with critique. I too often get defensive in the same position and can learn so much from people who stand back and consider the comments before reacting to them.
I loved that video. The reality of “micro-aggressions” wasn’t new to me but the word was. It finally gives me language to discuss this situation that I find so frustrating because it’s so easily dismissed by much of our culture.
Leslie recently posted..Blog the Change for Animals
I’m still learning too – I can often default to being on the defensive as well. I’m working on it though. 🙂
And I know what you mean – I never really had a word for it until I saw that video either.
A very well said and well-thought out post. It’s unfortunate that it’s easy to offend people with our words – I think most of the time people just don’t think it through before they speak and they’re just used to saying the same things they hear others say. It’s commendable that your reader was able to point out your offending wording without attacking you, and that you took the time to try to help make all of us stop and think about the words we use.
Jackie Bouchard recently posted..Somewhat Wordy Wednesday: Rubble
I agree, Jackie – in this case, I definitely hadn’t thought it through.
What a great post! And the tough part about language is what offends one person can go completely unnoticed by another. One’s life experiences have a lot to do with it. When you asked if we spotted the problematic word….I couldn’t. I have no children, adopted or otherwise, so a comment about “real parents” went right over my head! I can certainly see the issue once it’s pointed out, but it wasn’t an in-my-face offense for me.
Taryn recently posted..Wilson’s Wound-up Wordless Wednesday
So true… things that would immediately get my back up might not have the same effect for you or someone else. That’s why I think it’s so important to have a dialogue about these things. 🙂
It’s hard sometimes not to offend someone, no matter how careful you are. I guess we all try really hard not to, but sometimes ‘stuff’ happens.
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Sage recently posted..Food Fight!
Oh my… thank you! I’m heading there now. 🙂
Great post! Kuddos to you for handling the situation in such an admirable way!
Dogs N Pawz recently posted..Thankful Thursday: Our Present From Miss Kim!
Wow – not 15 minutes ago I told Buster not to get his panties in a bunch. Without even realizing it, I’m attacking my own gender! Thank you for this post. This is important, and it will take some practice to become more aware of the meaning behind the words coming out of my mouth, but I’m up for the challenge.
Amy@GoPetFriendly recently posted..Friday Pet Photo Challenge
Ditto. I often catch myself saying things like that too.
Words are powerful. Words were going to be the subject of my BtC4A post that just never got finished, but I’m working on for December. I love that instead of a troll finding the word and creating a storm, it was a positive experience. You have a great audience here and you should be proud that your readers are smart and respectful enough to express opinions without resorting to childish mudslinging
.
Kolchak, Felix & Jodi recently posted..Separation Anxiety Rears It’s Ugly, Nasty Head
Very true, Jodi. I’m lucky to have such thoughtful and considerate readers. 🙂