Welcome back, students. In our last session, I taught you how to be a highly irritating dog walker. I’m glad to see that you refuse to stop there. I can tell that you love to learn. Or that you just love to be annoying. Either way, you’re in luck. It’s time for another free lesson.

Today’s topic? Creating a pet-unfriendly home. I know I’ve read a ton of articles about pet-friendly decor. It seems like the discussion has been a bit one-sided thus far, however. Where is the advice for people who don’t want to create a pet-friendly home? Won’t anyone help those who want to make their homes as unsuited to living with a pet as possible?

Never fear. Today, I am unleashing (pun intended and also a lesson from our first seminar) my inner Vern Yip (no pun needed). There’s no reason you should sacrifice your style for your pets. Make them accommodate you instead.

Professor Judge E. Dog returns…

Decorating can be an overwhelming task, but these seven easy tips will help you get started. By implementing a few changes, you can easily create a space that is impractical and will make pets feel unwelcome. As a bonus, many of these tips will confuse your friends and make your home unsuitable for children too. Alienating animals and people has never been easier!

1. Refuse to use gates (or closed doors) to keep your pets out of areas that contain more expensive pieces or that might house unaddressed hazards (like long drapery cords or electrical wires). Obviously, you should treat your dog like the fully-functioning adult you wish she was, even if she really thinks eating poop sounds like a great idea.
2. Place breakable items at a very low level. If possible, perch them precariously on the edge of wobbly furniture. (If you have a cat, mantels are great choices as well.) To really take your decor up a notch, bust out the tape measure. Once you know the exact height of your dog’s wagging tail, place your most priceless heirlooms at precisely that level.
3. Dog and cat toys can create unsightly clutter. Unless your pet can be trusted to neatly put his toys away when he’s done with them, you probably just shouldn’t give him any. I’m sure he can find something else appropriate to chew on that you won’t miss too much.
4. The right plant can really tie a room together. Although some can be toxic to pets, don’t check to find out which ones are. You should get what you want, and tell your pet to just keep her paws (and tongue) off. (The same goes for cleaning products. It’s your house, right?)
5. Listen, it’s a little-known secret that dogs and cats don’t have to shed. They just do it to be jerks. They know you’ll clean up after them. (Cats are especially guilty of this tactic – in a cat’s eyes, he’s Lord Grantham and you’re part of the downstairs staff.) Don’t give in to their little power plays. Refuse to clean up those fur tumbleweeds and engage in a game of housekeeping chicken with your pet. Eventually, His Catship will get tired of the mess and simply stop shedding.
6. In that same vein, choose fabrics that attract pet hair and are hard to clean. In fact, if you could find a material that would be ruined by a single drop of dog drool, that would be ideal. Avoid anything containing the words “stain-resistant” or “easy to clean” in the product description.
7. Which door do your pets use most often? If muddy paws pass most frequently through a specific door, spice up that area with an expensive cream rug. Place a welcome mat outside, and remind your pet to wipe his feet before he runs back into the house. It shouldn’t be that hard to convince him to do so.

Believe it or not, it’s that easy. I’d like to open the discussion up to the class, however. Do you have any additional tips for creating a pet-unfriendly home? Share them in the comments!

Isn’t learning fun?

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