Last night, I was watching TV (a rerun of The Mindy Project, if you must know – seriously, though… how great is The Mindy Project?). My local news ran a preview during one of the commercial breaks, as is wont to happen.
In the span of thirty seconds, they delivered one of those “X happened – and you won’t believe what happened next!” headlines. So… basically, it felt like I was watching some sort of Upworthy network. (Maybe they just used this handy headline generator?)
Listen, I know that this sort of sensationalized teaser is nothing new.
(Fun fact: I still say “is it peas?” on what seems to be a weekly basis.)
However, cramming two of those similarly constructed headlines into one short preview was more than I could bear. It was (almost) as bad as the time that I saw this on the Huffington Post:
Yeah… that happened.
You can’t put emoticons in your headlines. You just can’t, HuffPo. Get it together.
Anyway… today’s post is inspired by the Judgy Bear stare and epic amounts of shade I directed at my television last night. In an attempt to make the best of a dumb situation, I present to you… Dogworthy headlines. Just imagine them being delivered to you by Walter Cronkbite, Dan Cather, or Barbara Pawlters:
- Fido sniffed a fire hydrant – you won’t believe what happened when he tried to pee on it.
- I used to hate going to the vet. Then I saw this powerful video by a celebrity dog.
- Some call it bath time. We call it freedom’s worst enemy.
- This dog’s family named him Rover. Then they found out just how fitting that name was.
- You will shudder when you see what this Corgi’s person made him wear.
- A flea bit Fifi on the leg. It ended up changing her life for the better.
- Peanut thought that finally catching her tail would solve all of her problems. If only she’d known what would really happen.
- You never thought a cat could inspire a dog. This video will change your mind.
You’re welcome, canine journalists. I’m totally helping you take it to the next level. Instant click bait. It’s the human equivalent of “squirrel!”
I’m seriously tempted to start using Dogworthy titles on all of my posts, just to see what happens. I’ll try to resist. If I cave in, I promise to give myself a Judgy Bear Stare in the mirror every now and then. You have my word.
The holidays are approaching. Much like Santa – and Type A personalities everywhere – you will probably make a list, check it twice, make a second list, check it thrice, make a sublist or two related to those lists, enlist your elves to make sure you didn’t forget to add something to the list(s), like taking photos of the reindeer for your holiday cards…